I feel like I don’t have hope anymore. Or courage. Or at least I don’t have the old “May” anymore. I’m not May anymore. I used to spend ALL my time being productive in everything I love – work, art, travel, books, puzzles -, I was not a fan of binging movies and tv series or not doing anything. But as I write this blog/journal I realized I just spent my whole Friday watching Netflix (and of course spending little time with Mnemo) instead of working on my audit or lecture or course or even my vlog or zine.
I was on leave today, and I thought taking a good rest would be a nice idea. I knew that even when I say that, I still would go work. I mean, I always did that. But in the past months (yeeees this has been going on for months now, years even), I don’t feel so motivated, or inspired and even my creative juices are already drying up. I hate that I’d rather just “copy” an art instead of thinking of a way to make my own design. Shame.
Is it because I’m already a mom, and my kid’s already in her toddler years that I feel sooo much more tired now that I just want to lie down and watch some silly films instead of using my brain to do something else? I’ve read articles and heard stories about that and I thought forcing myself to read a book which I know I won’t finish anyways would help. I thought purchasing a premium app for making art would motivate me to actually make art and not to buy another device that I thought is better than what I am using now. Or is it the pandemic and this whole work-from-home situation we’re in, that I don’t feel I can separate work from being a mom anymore?
In the midst of a pandemic, plus the undying concern on how incompetent our leaders are (not just in this term but idk people say this since forever), and the unending complaints we hear here and there without even minding or realizing the impact of the violations most people defended as their “rights”, the suffocating laws of “bawal lumabas” that hinders our ways of living, no wonder why many of us are having panic attacks, anxiety attacks, even humans are attacking their own kind (I mean wtf). I feel it, too. Maybe a little less concerning than others, but almost all (if not all) of us feel it, too, in some different ways and I hate it that it’s becoming “normal”, if you get what I mean.
“Nahihirapan ako these days,” “Malungkot ako,” “Hindi ako masaya,” It’s good thing that people are finally talking about this then here come the party poopers who say “Hindi lang ikaw ang nakakaramdam nyan,” “Hindi lang ikaw ang may problema,” “Ganyan talaga, pendemic eh,” “Normal yan,”. I’ve said it, too. But sometimes I realize it’s b*llsh*it.
I know some of you will feel better when you hear those words. Most of the times, I feel invalidated when people say that. So porke madami tayo, we just let it be, take no action? Just because the feeling is common, we let it stay as is? Does it really change anything if you knew other people are suffering more or less than you do? If anything, it’s more sad that what we can only do is just say “ah well, that’s life”.
If I’m being honest, I’ve had suicidal thoughts before. And yes, I am straightforward talking about it because that’s what you do if you can’t hold yourself together any longer – you make awkward, unnecessary drama and wish people would notice you and when they ask you just say “nah, I’m fine” and then smile.
I have a four-day weekend this week and I’m 30 minutes away from the second day as I continue drafting this and planning the next 11 minutes of my weekend vlog. Sadly, there still no feature for travel and food for the blog again and for ne next months I guess (or depends on the opportunity) so if you’re still reading this personal post, thank you! You may also want to check my Youtube channel (lol shameless plug) >> themhayonnaise – YouTube
Whenever you feel down and you have no one to talk to, my inbox is always open. I hope we can be friends. <3