Last Sunday, I went to Baclaran church to light a candle and pray. If you’re wondering why I would travel almost seven kilometers at 6am just to light a candle, well, I usually don’t. I’m not one of the people who would go to a church just to talk to Him, because I believe I can whenever and wherever I needed to. Last Sunday, I just needed to start my day early and took the chance to at least pray for a few minutes.
It was just then that I realized, that in spite of all the stuff that’s been happening in my life, I still consider myself happy. How could I tell, you ask? I have three ways or types or mood (whatever you call that) of praying:
- Cry and ask why. This is the time I’m usually angry, confused, hurt, and I seek the reasons why certain bad luck or bad thing happened. Why this, why that, and most especially, why me? Remember when I ranted about my personal life issues like six or seven months ago? I was deeply “wounded” that I didn’t stop in a second asking “why” even though I actually already know why. Of all the things you can call me, I am definitey not dumb. It was the time that I couldn’t accept the truth that was actually there, slapped on to my face. So I asked why, why, why.
- Thank God. Oftentimes, I thank God before going to sleep. Ir hust in a random moment, small wins such when I finished my audit, tasting a new menu in a resto, or seeing my baby smile. Thank you, Lord, for not answering my “whys” and for giving me wisdom and courage and peace to embrace the fact that things aren’t always what I wanted them to be.”
- Stay silent. There are times I want to visit the church, or light a candle, and just stay there. I just want a minute of silence. And that is how I know I am happy and contented. I don’t ask why, I don’t wish, nit even grateful. Just okay, but full of happiness. Well, that still sound grateful, literally, there are times that I just want to blank my mind, and give myself a minute to rest, fell His presence and peace. As if saying “thank you God, for not giving what I wanted, but giving me what I trully deserve instead” in a quiet way.
The past year has been so tough. Most of it, I was item no. 1. I don’t think there was a day I stopped crying and asking God “why?”. Was I not enough? Was I a bad partner? A bad person? Was this karma? Am I not worth the fight? The wait? Am I not worth loving? Am I not worth the “rest of my life”?
I was too busy asking God, asking the guy, asking myself, that I didn’t notice a year has already passed. I was so busy being a single mom, that I didn’t have time to pause and appreciate more what I have now. That I am actually not “single” single. That I now have my mini me.
Last week, Mnemo had her 6th month birthday. We didn’t celebrate it the way I planned it to because of work, but it still turned out well and okay. We had a little dinner at home – the never-ending tempura, pizza, ice cream, and cake. And every month, on her birthday, I thank God for giving me this wonderful gift.
Last Sunday, I lit a candle not to question God, nor thank Him. I didn’t talk to Him at all. I just lit the candle and gave myself a minute of silence, as if I were sitted on a bench beside God, and for the first time in a veeeeerrrry loooong time, I felt peace.
I think God doesn’t want us to just praise Him or give thanks to Him all the time. I think He wants us to take a break and give ourselves the peace we deserve. Because only you can do that. Not Him, not other people, just you.
Lesson learned: It’s okay to be mad, angry, and sad, but do not let yourself drown in any of the negativity. Pause, breathe, reflect, and live life one day at a time.
Also sharing my Dailies album on VSCO, hoping my stories could inspire people to speak up.