Can I be honest with you?

Of course, I can. And I always am. I know being “honest” and “open” are two different things. Opening myself up to public isn’t easy, though. It’s not for fame, oh hell no. It’s just I just found this outlet an easier way to explain myself, than looking for someone who “can” and “will” listen to all my dramas and whom I can trust. Yeah, drama. Who cares, anyway?

When I write something personal on this blog, I know many would read it. Personal kasi eh. There always is that curiosity that’s why people read something personal. Just like the title of this post. It’s catchy, isn’t it? Aminin mo man o hindi, you’d want to know what I would say. Some call it being “chismosa” which is an easy way to describe it. But personally, I think it’s just out of curiosity (na sige, pag-uusapan nyo ni frienny somewhere else, instead of just talking to me about it directly). After reading this, ano na? Nothing about this post will affect you. Some may message me “okay lang yan,” or “I understand you, May,” but at the end of the day, you don’t actually care.

Or you do? Wala ka lang talagang magagawa. It’s not your life, anyway. No matter how “inspired” you are, or “moved” you are, wala ka padin naming magagawa. Not that I want you to do something for me. Lol, it’s not your responsibility. What I am just trying to say is, whatever I write here doesn’t change everything. .

Today, I’m going to share something I never shared before. Oh yes, I already shared this, but let’s get a little deeper. Let’s talk about mental health.
Blogging about my personal life doesn’t mean every second of my life is documented here. If only I could tell you the story of my whole day, I would. But doing it means telling other people’s stories, too. And they’re not mine to share.

I mean, yeah, I did it before. But I learned it was wrong. Though I didn’t mention names, some people get it. And that affected the person I was talking about. I felt guilty, though I knew from the very beginning that it was a “ganon talaga” part of what I was doing. But when I was suffering from sadness and depression myself, I always try putting my feet on another’s shoes to see things more clearly. It was then I realized what I did was wrong, and another wrong doesn’t make things right. So I stopped.

Now, I know I have my family who’s always there waiting for me to talk about my problems. But I can’t. Thinking that I am sad will just make them more sad. Seeing me angry will only make them more angry. I have my friends, but I know they have their fair share of personal problems as well. I have R, but you know, we have our own challenges, too. I can write on my journal, as usual, but my hands are too swollen I can’t even write my name without pain. So yeah, basically, my choices went down to…uhm…just typing and  typing on my blog.

Getting drowned, or diving deep?

Maybe you’re thinking “ah normal lang yan. buntis eh,” well, scientifically, yes. That’s what makes this a looooot harder for me. Imagine, I am going through all of this emotional ups and downs alone. I am technically suffering from a heartbreak. Imagine how hard it is for my forever slim body to carry this huge ball everyday, from standing up from the floor mattress to walking a kilometer just to get to work to lying back down and wishfully have enough sleep. Well, I can’t even sleep well because yes, I always am reminded how hard everything is these days.

Sometimes, I just find myself staring blankly off the space, feeling and thinking about nothing, or suddenly and subconsciously crying. I am writing this because I am scared I’ll get drown in it. I always ask Him, “bakit kasi ngayon pa? ganito ba kalakas yung tingin mo sakin, na tingin mo kakayanain ko to ngayon? Sa ganitong paraan? I’m not sure if this is karma or you’re just challenging me to be better.” I always question God, and then apologizing even I don’t get any answer.

Save yourself.

Pero minsan, alam mo naman na yung sagot. You’re just waiting for another because you can’t accept the first one. Sabi nga nila diba, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. So yep, we are waiting for the answer we think we deserve. But who decides what we truly deserve?

We all know, having a baby is a really such a blessing. Kung yung pag-iipon nga para sa gusto mong sapatos na nakita mo last week sa mall e mahirap na, ano pa kung alam mong may bubuhayin ka nang tao. If you think you can’t clean up your pet’s poop, what more if you’re cleaning a human poo almost every hour or two.. All of those “ew” moments and “kapoy” thoughts, lahat yan mararanasan mo. And guess what. Kakayanin mo. Having a baby is truly a blessing, because you didn’t gave just a simple thing to this tiny human, you gave her life. And that is a kind of love that anchors you to being strong and inspired.

Before these experiences, I thought being positive is bullshit. Kahit naman maging positive ka, it won’t change anything. I was craving for change. Without even realizing I need to change myself first. How I see things, or how I react on them.

I re-installed my Bible app, seeking for a even just a little guidance from the verses and plans people are always quoting. I think it’s not the right time to know all the answers yet, but thankfully, I knew God was listening. Because if He isn’t, siguro meron na akong mental breakdown.

“People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again.”

Sometimes, naiisip ko, “ayoko na, pagod na ko,”. Which is very scary, whenever I get back my consciousness. I don’t want to quit. I don’t want to surrender myself to depression. It’s okay for me to cry. Hard. Sorry Toyo, if it’s affecting you, but I’d rather cry than bury myself in to depression. Kailangan pa ako ng anak ko, and that is the reason why I want to talk openly about this.

I know what I am going through is too shallow for some. You may even compare the struggles you’re handling with mine. I know, there are a lot more worse situations I could be thankful I am not experiencing right now. Just let me remind you that there is nothing wrong about venting it all out. It helps. I started drafting this post crying, but I’m ending it with a smile because I know, kung binasa nyo ito hanggang dulo, somehow I inspired you to talk about it as well. In your own way. Let it all out. Take care of yourself first before minding other people’s businesses.

It’s good to know I inspired some of my readers to blog as well. But you don’t actually have to, if this isn’t really your thing. I’m turning mine to a happy blog, anyway, after delivering Toyo. If you’re a private person, you can always talk to me privately, if you think I can help.

Love yourself, and then find another reason to live. Sharing you a cover of “One Day” I really loved. Because sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down. So when negativity surrounds, I know some day it´ll all turn around~

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