#LockdownDiaries: just another Monday

This morning I woke up crying and I was not sure why. I just cried right after I opened my eyes. So many feelings brought me into tears I couldn’t stop. I am overloaded with love, yet overwhelmed with what’s happening to us right now. “Just another Monday,” I thought.

Just another day of worrying what if we get infected. Just another day of being home yet feeling trapped. Just another day of hating myself for overthinking of having to choose between my kid and my laptop. Another day of “okay lang yan, lilipas din yan”, when we don’t actually know if we can really survive this.

So I grabbed my phone, check my emails, Fb, I greeted my friend a happy birthday, I texted good morning to my special someone, then drafted this. I’ve been posting happy things on social media these past few days – food pics, Mnemo’s video clips, memes, stories – because I don’t want to add any more negativity in my mind.

We are expected to work from home, but sometimes, I don’t feel like working. Even when I decided to open my laptop and start typing, my brain’s giving no effort at all. I used to be super productive and creative. Now I feel worthless.

How I cope

At home

We finally installed wifi for home, and it’s doing a great help keeping us occupied with online games and Netflix. We rarely watch the news now. Thanks to the DOH’s Viber group for updates, but aside from those updates, we don’t bother watching TV.

At work

During this trying times, I am literally trying hard. We are expected to work from home, and I am thankful for the “privilege”. But I feel sooooo much less productive and almost not useful at all. Sometimes, I just want to lie down, and drown myself with “what ifs”. Sometimes, I stress eat. Sometimes, I watch films I haven’t watched yet, and rewatch those I loved. I am always reminded it’s okay to be not okay. But I also remind myself the number of people that could get affected if I don’t work.

For self

This is the third time I cried during ECQ and nobody knows it. What people see is my privilege of having money and health to go outside for groceries, cook some yummy foods, film my kid happy playing. I just don’t think me crying my pains would help. Plus I don’t want my family to see me cry over this stupid pandemic, though it’s valid. I just don’t want them to feel more sad just because they saw my cry. The situation is already hard and sad enough to add more negativity to our people. So I choose to show only my bright side.

Cooking is the new healing

I re-started my trial on cooking, taking advantage of this ECQ. So far, I have written 3 recipes to be launched next month – my big month.And it helps a lot, actually – cooking and writing – for my mental health. It feels nice to be having the privilege of doing something you love during these difficult days.

One last thing

I am soooo excited for when this pandemic is over. I miss food tripping, I miss traveling, I miss hanging out with friends. And another thing I am looking forward to is the launch of my new site.

I am finally moving to themhayonnaise.com. I actually didn’t know I still have the domain active until now. I really thought I lost it that’s why I’m on themhayonnaiseonline now. Apparently, themhayonnaise is super unique nobody else wants it. I got it back this year and decided to take a step forward and self-host my site. I’m still using WordPress platform, though, because I love them, but I partnered with Bluehost for the next years to help me store more contents for my future adventures.