Life lately: it's NOT okay not to be okay

We always say it’s okay not to feel okay, that it’s completely normal, and that it’s a part of life, and it’s just a tiny piece of a bigger story or bigger picture. Here’s an unpopular opinion: it’s NOT okay not to be okay. What’s okay is telling your story and speaking up. But it is never okay to feel not okay.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why people don’t speak up. At least that’s one of the unending list of why I don’t tell my stories to the closest people I have. People always say it’s okay not to be okay, – I say it sometimes, too – we don’t realize we are somehow invalidating the person’s feelings. We keep on saying it’s alright when it’s actually not alright just because it’s “normal” and “common” and that we “can’t do anything about it”.

I’m always honest about what I write here, and I try being more open about anything even my personal struggles to raise awareness that not all bloggers are living their happy and perfect lives. In this article, I’m sharing two things I rarely share online or even offline with my family and friends (which I really hope you read, tbh, because if I talk about this in person you’ll just say I’m overthinking).

Scoliosis ft. lower back pains

Lower back pains are generally very common that we don’t talk about it anymore. These past weeks I’ve been suffering with lower back pains and it’s getting more and more painful. I’m not sure what causes it, but I have few possible causes in mind. It could be because I’m physically super tired. Or it could be an affect of stress and pressure over work. It could also be part of being a person with scoliosis.

Most lower back pains just fade and go away on their own. But not for a person with scoliosis. Yep, I have didelphys and scoliosis, and I have loose joints, too – I am that weird and kind of scary. I also hear people say I’m too “chaka” for not having a good posture “a woman should have”, but hey kids, scoliosis also affects posture.

I was first diagnosed with dextroscoliosis when I was 16.

If not for pre-college enrollment health check, I didn’t know this kind of condition exists. Even when you look closely or feel my spine, you’ll see my spine is curved to the right. Mostly, people with dextroscoliosis have mild to sever back pains which I also experience, but I almost always feel are lower back pains. A little yoga before sleep helps my back and leg pains. It’s also the main reason why I “go on a diet” and do quick workouts. It’s just that there are days anything didn’t help at all, I’d just cry and wait for the pain to minimize over time.

There’s more about having scoliosis other than the obvious back pains. My family and my friends don’t know about this (at least not yet until now), but shortness of breath and chest pain are also my day-to-day challenges.

I’m afraid it’s getting worse.

I won’t be writing this is it doesn’t affect me mentally or emotionally. Recent events make me more sensitive and worry too much. The back pains and stress makes me feel unproductive both with my job and being a mom. I can’t even take better care of my kid when she’s not okay. I tried finding ways to lessen the worries, which help a lot, but at the end of the day, I still find myself chanting “do not cry, do not break down, you can do this”. And what pains me even more is the thought of what if this gets worse and how can I be a better mom if this gets bad?

All these great things ft. financial challenges

I usually buy myself food and small stuff as reward to being a hard worker and a life challenger. I also have a soft heart that gives little something to someone. I sometimes spoil my daughter with some cheap finds from Shopee because I love seeing her happy and excited.

I spend more than half of my monthly paycheck just for the monthly bills and expenses.

We’re not rich. You see, I am a single mom and I still live with my parents and sibs. In a family of 7 (including Mnemo), 4 of us have jobs. One is a transpo service driver, the other is a parking teller, one is an admin officer. I am an auditor, and I carry the most of our bills at home. It’s okay because I understand my monthly income can afford it. What’s not okay is that I can rarely save a portion of it for Mnemo’s future especially now that I have to shoulder another bill because my sibs were of work for months because of the ECQ.

But I don’t have any choice, do I? I have to settle these payments and more because I don’t want to drown myself with future credits anyway. Besides, since I’m the youngest, and they have sacrificed their youth in hustling just for me to finish college, now it’s my turn to challenge myself. My brother and sisters need to save and get ready for their retirement years (our age gap is more than a decade) and I totally understand that.

Aside from the usual monthly bills (and the current bills that are unusually high since ECQ), my parents also have meds for maintenance. My sister and I have different assignments for my mom’s meds, while my dad gets his monthly ration from the local health center. Mnemo also have this monthly (sometimes bi-monthly) vaccination that costs thousands which I prefer feeling confident and safe with instead of free shots that only add to my worries.

Another reason why I blog is that I need another source of income.

I’m not earning from it yet because I’m still starting, but I see the need of taking the opportunity because I need a lot more than what I get now. You see, I’m a single mom of a toddler and I don’t have anything yet for our future home or even for her education except for my little savings and insurance.

Mnemo’s getting older and bigger I can’t even stretch my legs and arms (which I really need to do for my hips and back and legs) on bed anymore. Plus we are three adults and one toddler in one room not to mention the big boxes and old stuff that are kept in the house that make it more like a junkshop instead of being a home. I and Mnemo will need a new house soon, and my everyday view puts a lot of stress and pressure to me even more.

I love writing, eating, traveling, I love arts, and those are the things I am good at, so why not take the risk of making it a business? What I can do now is wish and hope for it to succeed even when I don’t have enough time to update and upgrade it because of my other jobs a.k.a. being an auditor and a mom.