My Forever Valentine

I’ve been full of pain and heartaches these past few weeks, and honestly talking nonsense online about it. Well, full of sense to me, but nonsense to you. This blog is supposed to be my outlet for anything I am feeling, but wala namang naitutulong kasi kung bitter lang ako everyday. So instead of drowning myself in to all these drama, I thought focusing more on the little good things is waaaaay better for me and the baby.

By the way, happy Valentine’s day! This isn’t the best VDay in my life since I never celebrated it as in ever. But not the worst VDay either (mostly because of the same reason, lol). I’ve actually been drafting this post (and then deleting it) for days already. I mean, what would I write?

It’s actually not a big deal, really. I don’t believe in Valentine. Even before I was “in love”. I am one of those people who think everyday is “love day” and that love isn’t just about being in a relationship. But I completely understand people who are celebrating it on one particular day and with one particular person. Gives the thrill, the excitement. Just like Christmas or thanksgiving, etc.

But of course, there are particular moments I feel bitter and alone. I honestly feel guilty comparing myself to other people around me. May kakilala ako na couple, nagka-anak sila, never married but they’re still together. Some are still waiting for their miracles. There’s also this couple who are blessed pagdating sa lovelife at sa anak, pero hirap sa buhay. Meron namang YOLO lang, break kung break, then move on. Meron ding magkasama nga sila sa isang bubong, but they both feel distant with each other.

Valentine’s, as usual

We all are going through something we can and can’t compare with others. Pwedeng para sayo, swerte ka padin pero kung sa ibang tao nangyari, tingin nila sila na yung pinaka malas sa mundo. Even we have similar experiences, iba padin ang impact non sa iba’t ibang tao.

When things went sideways, I thought I couldn’t do this alone. But then I realized, I was and am always alone. Even when I was in a relationship, I did not depend on my partner all the time. Sometimes, I needed to stand up myself, without any help or support. I thought, loving is giving, and that I never should expect anything in return. Kahit na ba nakatanggap ka ng maraming pangako, you still have to understand that things really change.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I’ve been reading this verse/passage again and again these days, as if memorizing it, pushing it deeper into my heart. And it actually helps. I need to let go of the pain and all negativities. Iba na ngayon e, I really have to be strong and brave for Toyo. I need to use both my brain and heart, for us first, not for anybody else. For love, not for hatred. And the best way to move on and be the best I can be is to let go. I won’t forget how much it hurt, but at least controlling myself, I think, would help. For now, I need all the help I can find for myself (emotionally). I won’t risk Toyo ever again, not for anything and not for anyone.

My forever Valentine

This is my first open letter for you, Toyang (you already know that’s not your real name, right?) and the rest you can always read from my journal.

Happy Valentine’s day, baby. Soon you’ll have your own Valentine, and you know I’ll be happy for you on that. Just always remember you’ll be forever mine. Sometimes, you’ll make mistakes, get hurt, sometimes, you’ll cry. Only time will tell when you’re already with your “the one”. Wag mong pipigilan yon, anak. Don’t be afraid. But for now, sa akin ka muna, ha?

I have soooo many plans and dreams for you, for us. But of course, it will depend on your own wants. Sa ngayon, wala ka lang magagawa kasi ako ang masusunod at wala ka pang malay sa mundo. But eventually, when you get your chance to decide, I will let you and I will support you, because ngayon palang, I trust you already.

I can’t promise I’ll be the coolest nanay, but I will do my best. And sana tandaan mo that I’m not just your mom, I’m also your friend (nasayo na yon kung ako ang magiging best. haha) so you can open up everything and anytime to me. And I promise I’ll always be transparent to you as well. I know, some of those conversations will be awkward, well, that’s a role na for friends your age. I will understand.

Everyone’s excited to welcome you here outside, M. Soon, you’ll be meeting the people I love, those people who love me, and those that I trust the most. They’ll be your Godparents, your guides, your protectors, and your angels. You can call these people whenever you need them, okay?

Just enjoy your childhood, honey. Wag kang magmadali. Embrace your time being our little princess and use it to be the best version of who you are – play toys, read books, play music, “have courage and be kind”, be brave, be strong, and don’t be afraid to love.