Life Lately: my truth about postpartum depression, two years after giving birth
It’s been two years (already???!!!) since I gave birth to Mnemo and I think I’m still in my postpartum depression stage I mean do moms really get through that? In that two years, I’m not entirely sure how many times I felt depressed and anxious because if you’re a mom, you’re basically not allowed (or you don’t allow yourself) to feel nor think that way so I had to shift my mind and heart to something more fun and interesting so yeah.
I haven’t (or have I?) posted anything about my life in a while but thanks to “current life events” I was triggered to draft this post and maybe relaunch my Youtube channel with a sit-down video about the same topic this month. And oh, by the way, one of my new year’s monthly tasks is to raise up my voice louder discussing true-to-life stories about anxiety and depression because girl, I need that and I’m afraid writing it in a private journal doesn’t help anymore.
Just a quick disclaimer: I’m not clinically diagnosed with PPD. If you believe only those stories from people with diagnoses from experts then please skip this article. I am aware and totally agree depression is such a complicated word for most people but the last thing I need right now is man/womansplaining idk if that makes sense but yeah.
I hate that I feel like I'm always wrong and no matter how much people say they look up to me or they're proud of me, the negativity stays right behind my mind.
And by “always” I mean ALWAYS. And what hurts even more is that I feel these coming from the people I’m always with. Like I feel like they’re an inch away from saying “aanak-anak ka, hindi mo kayang alagaan mag isa,” or “bahala ka dyan, lumandi ka diba?” Or they already are quietly saying it like through their actions.
Whenever I do my way to discipline my kid, I feel like people, since they’re much older and have so much more experience than me, look down on me because I’m doing it wrong just because I’m not doing it the way they did it.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate people who cheers me up, you guys are one of my inspirations. But as mentioned, I feel weird and reasonable at the same time and PPD.
People expect me to be a 24/7 mom like I don't have to work my ass out.
The company I’m working with encourages us to work from home to lessen the risk from the pandemic. And while this is such a big help to everyone, I’m sure it has disadvantages as well. Especially to single working moms like me. I’m with my family right now and I couldn’t imagine how hard it is for single working moms who are living alone with their kid/s. My family is a big help, really, but I don’t know, there are times like I’m still not as productive as I should be especially for work and now I’m getting anxious about growing my blog and launching my Youtube because how can I even pull that off?
By the way, just a little background: I just started investing to a house and planning to increase my insurance investments and I need a car by the way when we move so I need to double the hard work to get more hence the double dribble for blogging.
Plus, maybe people think I’m just chillin’ when I’m on my phone or I’m in a cafe hey girl, there’s this thing called technology and innovation which is the biggest reason why I can do my job on my phone and there’s this thing people call “focus” which I really need sometime you know to earn some money because my job is not the easiest job in the world but it pays the bills.
I feel like I owe everybody something.
I’m a single mom, and a provider for the family. But before all of that, I was a bunso and everyone spent time and money and sacrificed more than enough to make me finish college. And now that even though I already have my own little family (that I made because I’m apparently “lumandi”), I still have that obligation to pay back the cost I incurred when I was younger. I’m not complaining though but I know you won’t get me no matter how I explain.
BUt tbh, I swear I’m not going to make Mnemo feel like she owes me anything to taking care of her growing up. I swear I’ll do anything for her not to feel the same thing I am feeling right now.
I'm not really comfortable opening up about my feeling being a mom so if you read this and I know you personally, please don't talk to me about it. Especially in person.
I’m not sure if everybody gets this but I know most of you do. I mean, I see a lot of venting out and speaking up campaigns on social media, I see vlogs, blogs, even forums, groups, etc. And obviously, people are relying on the internet to let their steam out not because they don’t have anyone to talk to about it but more of because it’s easier to just type your anxieties away than explain it to people who think they’re listening but actually cannot hear you if you get what I mean.
Most people would advice people like me to seek help, I mean we need to. But we also need to get comfortable first, get to trust people, look for the right people or things (if that works better for you). Because sometimes, opening up to wrong people and wrong places and time and things would make our feelings even worse. I support the speak up campaign 100% but as part of the people who seek freedom I also support healthy silence whenever we most need it. Good luck and God bless and have a better year this 2021. Let's root for each other. <3
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